Love

Not so long ago, I wanted to be dead! Deadly seriously I actually said…..

“I will be alone for the rest of my life, i will never have a husband, never become a wife”

I was cold and shut off, pessimistic & low. If any man approached my answer was “no!”

I wasn’t angry or aggressive, it was self-inflicted loathing. I was empty of love as if I’d been stripped of all my clothing.

Naked, and bare. Raw & real. Confused and pained I didn’t want to feel.

Yet out from nowhere I’ve met a man, who has made me feel feelings I didn’t know I can.

He is kind, he is gentle, he has heart of gold. My cold closed off heart is beginning to unfold.

It’s scary to let go, give myself to another but the more I see him I yearn to be his lover.

My heart is melting from the cold cold ice, i cant believe I’ve never met someone quite so nice.

I feel like my hearts jumping obstacles in my chest. This man is awesome this man is ‘the best’.

This man of my dreams is even better in real life as it seems.

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My son has passed his test

So my son has finally passed his driving test, & I am ecstatic. My nerves were that bad yesterday, you’d have believed I actually sat the test myself. My Adrenalin was pumping, & I actually felt like I was out of my body. I’m a militant atheists, yet I actually prayed to a higher being for him to pass as I knew how important this was for him!

His test was 1.40 & I was completely restless from waking up. All day I felt uneasy & anxious. I tried not to let it show but it was debilitating, & I was unable to do any other activity than worry.

I cried with a sigh of relief when he rang me to tell me he had passed. I felt “High as a kite!’

Well done son, I’m so unbelievably proud.

sudden unexplained death

so my antipsychotics have printed on the label of potential side effects: sudden unexplained death, & heart attacks!

fuck my life! what am i taking? surely knowing that alone can provoke anxiety?

other side effects include:

The following side effects could happen:

Common side effects (may affect up to 1 in 10 people)

• difficulty sleeping,

• feeling anxious,

• feeling restless and unable to keep still, difficulty sitting still,

• uncontrollable twitching, jerking or writhing movements, restless legs,

• trembling,

• headache,

• tiredness,

• sleepiness,

• light-headedness,

• shaking and blurred vision,

• decreased number of or difficulty making bowel movements,

• indigestion,

• feeling sick,

• more saliva in mouth than normal,

• vomiting,

• feeling tired.

i suffer at least 10 of these on a day to day basis. how wonderful. i take a drug to help me, yet the drug gives me even more debilitating side effects.

The joys of having bipolar. the worst part of this for me is lack of control. its 5.31am my insomnia is driving me crazy, & i wish it would all kindly fuck off.

over & out

Calm

So I’ve rang the crisis team & I’ve shouted & screamed, I’ve had enough, I’m sick of life, I really can’t can’t go on.

She calms me down, I take a tablet (or 3), now she tells me to relax, to count to 3!

The meds are kicking in, I’m not as tense